CHOIS Connection is published quarterly by Christian Homeschoolers Of Idaho State.
This article appeared in a previous issue.
CHOIS Connection
Tidbits
by Linda Patchin
"More on Less"
Winter 2005
Twenty-seven years ago I met my husband Paul in a college chemistry class. We were married two years later. During our courtship we talked frequently about the future. Our plans included marriage and children, and a firm commitment to my being a stay-at-home mom once we had children. Setting that goal was important and planning how we would accomplish it, helped us work toward achieving our dreams.
We were married for nearly five years before our first child was born. True to plan, my last day of paid employment was on my due date. I quickly discovered the true meaning of a full-time job! Gone was eight to five. Gone were lunch-hours, coffee breaks and weekends off. I had a twenty-four hour; seven day a week occupation…and I loved it!
For the majority of home educating parents, a single income provides for their family. You may not have planned and dreamed for years to be a stay-at-home parent like I did, but many of you have found yourselves in that place just the same. Like me, many of you have not had parents who modeled this lifestyle for you and many are uncertain about how it can be done.
Let me begin by saying that I believe that you are currently occupied in the most important, worthwhile and fulfilling work of your life. When you are old, you will not have fond memories and sweet dreams of making just one more widget on the corporate assembly line. Your heart will be full as you recall the babe who slumbered in your arms, the toddler who gave you sticky kisses, warm memories of the exact moments when your children got "it" when you taught "it," and so much more. You are blessed above and beyond because you have had the joy and privilege, and yes, the enormous responsibility too, of raising and nurturing your children in the way that only you are uniquely qualified to do.
And yet, truly believing all of the above with all of our hearts, many of us do not feel as much contentment as we should. We wiggle and squirm and worry for a variety of reasons. Most of us have occasional feelings of being inadequate for the task. Some feel a sting, knowing that their response to the question, "What do you do?" doesn't hold much value in the world today. And then there is the discontentment that comes from financial pressure. Our lifestyle choice often demands one income in a two-income world. This can be a strain that robs much of our joy. If we are going to successfully buck the trend, not only surviving, but thriving on a single income, then we're going to have to make some adjustments to our budget, and more importantly in our thinking.
Square one
Even if you know you'll never be able to stick to it, create a budget right away. For one month keep an accurate accounting of where you spend every dime. You might be surprised where your money goes. For a lucky few, frugality is second nature. Most of us have to work hard to develop this skill. Some of us must even swallow our pride and seek help. There are many excellent books that are invaluable resources on creating and sustaining a budget, such as How to Be a Smart Money Manager, by Ethan Pope. I'd also like to recommend some websites that you might find helpful. I particularly liked www.homeschooltalkradio.com, which includes on-line audio of weekly radio broadcasts that feature well-known homeschool speakers. Www.homebodies.org is full of message boards to communicate with other at-home parents on dozens of topics. Another site devoted to at-home parents is www.familyandhome.org. If you think you might need some additional at-home income, www.dabblingmum.com might help you.
You have to want it badly enough
Many people observe a successful homeschool family and think that they might like to homeschool too. Unfortunately, some do not want it badly enough. In our microwave society, people have come to expect instant success, with very little effort on their part. They bolt for the door as soon as it becomes apparent to them that self-sacrifice is involved in this endeavor. Planning? Saving? Forget about it!
Just the same, if we want something badly enough, we will dream and scheme, scrimp and save, until we eventually figure out a way of obtaining it. This is human nature, and the driving force of our economy. This force can be applied to homeschooling too. Have you made purchasing textbooks and supplies a priority when figuring your family budget? What are you willing to sacrifice to achieve this goal? Exactly how important is homeschooling to you?
Beware of comparison
Within the heart of many homeschool parents is a secret suspicion that they are not doing enough for their children. This suspicion can lead to fear and envy, which can lead to increased spending and frenetic activity, which eventually leads to burnout. We all know parents whose children are out and busy every day from dawn to long after dusk, taking lessons, and interacting with experts. It doesn't necessarily follow that these children are any happier or more successful than their lesson-deprived friends. Don't be tempted to wallow in the mud of comparison, where the seed of discontentment can easily sprout and take root.
Outside lessons can be very expensive and if your budget is tight, they can easily be eliminated or reduced. Even if your budget isn't tight, I hope that you will carefully weigh each activity before undertaking it. It's so easy to get children overly involved, stressing them out and creating an entertainment addiction.
How much is too much? In his report, Homeschooling on the Threshold, Dr. Brian Ray states that research data reveals that 98% of home educated students are involved in two or more activities outside the home, with 5.2 activites being average. At first glance, his statistics could cause parents to gasp and reflexively grasp their wallets, but on closer examination, not all of these outside activities include additional expense. Included on his list are such activities as scouts, 4-H, sports, field trips, Sunday School, playing with friends and volunteer work.
Dr. Mel Levine, the Director of the University of North Carolina's Clinical Center for the Study of Development and Learning wrote in his book, Ready or Not: Here Life Comes, "Don't try to make your child into a super-confident jack-of-all-trades. Too much versatility makes it hard to commit to the deep and narrow grooves of adult life. Instead, discover and promote your child's particular strengths." He also notes that the optimum age to focus on a child's interests is from 11 to 20 when the brain's frontal region is maturing, neural connections are becoming stronger, and beginning to specialize.
Even parents suffer when too many outside activities are planned. In her book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Dr. Laura Schlessinger writes about what doctors call, "Hurried Woman Syndrome." She states that the origin of the syndrome is, "all due to the stress caused by trying to do too much, not being able to keep up with it, not feeling very accomplished at any of it, resenting anyone who has any expectations and ending up feeling hostile and depressed." While Dr. Laura is referring to working mothers, homeschool moms qualify equally well. She further states, "The problem is not with the demands of their husbands and children; the problem is with their notion of a full life. ‘Having it all' begins to approximate a ‘jack of all trades and a master of none.' If the work is demanding and draining, and your time is limited and your temper isn't, guilt usually drives one toward more activity for children to ‘make up' for the neglect and mistreatment. That translates into frenetic schedules of extracurricular activites, which end up overextending and stressing the children as well as the parents."
Next time you find yourself experiencing activity envy, tune in closer to the words and body language of a hyper-activity parent. Does she express joy, peace and contentment when she recites the litany of her full schedule, or do you see signs of fatigue, and an overactive sense of obligation? Are her children genuinely excited about each and every one of their opportunities, or on closer inspection do you detect signs of ingratitude? Has their glut of activities left them stressed out or bored? Is the crate of textbooks that they haul around in their car-school a bit too gently used? Is it possible that for some parents, activities have assumed the place of brand-name labels in satisfying status symbol needs? It could just be that these parents have fallen victim to the philosophy that more is more.
There is a better way! Operating on the philosophy that less is more, let's re-examine this scenario. What are your children passionate about? Discover their passion and help them to achieve it. Some hints that you have found their passion might be when they are devouring every book on the subject that they can get their hands on, or when they start doing a bit of dreaming and scheming on their own. You'll know that it is a passion if they are willing to invest some of their own time and money toward its pursuit. Embrace that passion and let the other mothers fill their days with countless activities that don't truly satisfy the needs of their children.
There may be some things that you, as the parent, find non-negotiable; things that are just plain good for your child to learn. Some of these include learning how to swim or to play the piano. These can be expensive lessons. Explore options. Can you trade babysitting for lessons? Can you hire a student to teach your child for a fraction of the cost? Be frugal in the beginning, and if this becomes a passion for your child, your money will be better spent later on, when expert teachers are essential.
Now that I've got two kids in college, I wish that I had back some of the money that I wasted on lessons my children didn't really enjoy but that I felt compelled to enroll them in. They don't even remember taking those lessons anymore, though they seemed so important at the time. They do remember the simple days that they spent with their siblings, doing things like building a cardboard castle with their own hands simply because they had all read a book about knights, refrigerator boxes were available, and they had the time to do it. They remember every single camping trip we ever took as a family.
Relax and enjoy the ride
Relax! Enjoy these days to the fullest, because they will truly fly by. Don't fret! Sure you'd have more money to spend on your kids if you went back to work, but would your children be happier? The concept of "quality" time is completely lost on children. Their hearts long for fully satisfying quantity. They want to know that you're going to be there for them when they need you, not just when you get home from work.
If you've decided that you're going to make the most out of one income, then just do it. Don't complain, or worry or wish for more. You've already been given the intangible, eternally important components of a life with purpose and meaning. Find satisfaction.
Most importantly, trust God to provide for your needs, and even the desires of your heart. Sometimes when we get too busy striving for things on our own, we rob Him of the opportunity to bless us, and we miss the gift-opening moment of surprise when we see how He has managed to provide for us in inexplicable ways. If you really do believe that God loves you and has a plan for your life, then start living like you do. It's hard, but you can do it. Believe! Even when you cannot see. Just believe!
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